The silent treatment is something that most people know about if, for no other reason, it comes up on the playground and in sitcoms repeatedly. If someone cuts off another person as punishment, it is the silent treatment, no matter how long it lasts. While it’s … What Really Goes on in the Mind of a Cheater? It’s a method of psychological punishment and manipulation we’ve all probably used or experienced at some point, whether we were aware of it or … No, obviously this histrionic personality cannot take responsibility for her actions and therefore will continue to to treat you and your friends poorly due to their egocentric mindset and immature attitude. People who detach can give the silent treatment. This article is blatantly INACCURATE and IRRESPONSIBLE and attempts to redefine what the silent treatment is in order to serve this definition of "estrangement." Only then will the realize the hurt they imposed on others. Aug 15, 2010 - 11 posts - ‎5 authors... I did not block him, as many recommend. Some people even refuse to acknowledge their partners’ existence for hours, days, or weeks, making the partners feel as if they are somehow less than human, like a ghost. FROM THOUGHTCATALOG Let’s face it: There are people in the world who are very difficult for anyone to get along with. Some people use the silent treatment as a form of intimidation and control. The silent treatment CAN be remote; that's the most heinous comparison - if you're remote then you can't receive the silent treatment? One can switch it up to real life examples, like some one asks the other person where the important paperwork is, but the other person says nothing. Long Distance Relationship Silent Treatment Mar 5, 2015 Nice article. The silent treatment plainly is about not having conversations when someone is reaching out to you. Adult talk out the issue and that is how the adults in our house (there are four adults in the house) will behave. Coparenting With an Ex: Battleground vs. Common Ground. It affects everyone and everything. My Long Distance Boyfriend Gives Me The "silent Treatment" And ... Jun 21, 2014 No. TWEET. Silent treatment: “Devon’s in the doghouse. But why try to draw distinct lines in the sands of shifting tides? Ignoring a person communicates power over them. Previous research has … Refusing to listen, talk or respond to a partner is sometimes called “the silent treatment.” Many people cut off their partners emotionally to hurt, punish, or manipulate them. Setting boundaries is healthier and is necessary in life. I had a long distance relationship -Jun 20, 2012. I'm always ready to talk, but the silent treatment is a game with control as the prize. Posted Dec 20, 2013 . If someone hurts you and you tell them that what they've done hurts you and why it hurts you and they hurt you again, then would you attempt to communicate with them better? This is just not a credible article. It happens when one partner pressures the other with requests, criticism or complaints and is met with avoidance or … Very uncool. If the detached person instead says, "I really would rather be to myself. I was often ostracized, ignored, given silent treatment, stabbed with subtle insults, some being blunt and obvious. But sometimes I feel like there are times in which people need a break from someone who has hurt them deeply or betrayed them and so may not want to talk to them for some time, which is sad but what if its justified? My husband has been giving me silent treatment for over a year . Instead of trying to oppose the two terms. There is a difference, and it is manipulation versus self-protection. I'm completely at a loss. My ex had a habit of giving me the silent treatment for wanting to discuss the issues in our relationship. It hurts long-distance too. Estrangement happens when one person pulls away from another in order to protect him or herself from experiencing harm. The excuse/reason of self-protection may make estrangement seem more palatable than the silent treatment. 2nd example _ But you can also be of the character to inflict the silent treatment on your aunt to BOTH be punitive and for your self-protection. I feel it's justified to walk. But it's still the silent treatment, and it's still punishment regardless of whether or not it contains a hope for the other person to change, or the conclusion that they will never change. He blew the month’s grocery budget fixing his motorcycle, and his wife hasn’t spoken a word to him in 3 days.”, Estrangement: “Rick doesn’t talk to his brother. Connect with me on LinkedIn. No. In time, estrangement may eat away at self-esteem, confidence, and quality of life. Trying to restrict/confuse the concept of 'silent treatment' is dangerous. This is the most painful and frustrating thing I have ever experienced in life. Then you see his true self. Psychology Today… Research has shown that the act of ignoring or excluding activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain. I do agree that silent treatments can occur from a distance, though. Verified by Psychology Today. It may be. The silent treatment is not necessarily punitive, either. The silent treatment is a passive aggressive form of emotional abuse and is commonly used as a weapon by divorcing couples. THIS AUTHOR REFUSES TO SEE THAT SILENT TREATMENT DOES OCCUR IN LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS SEE THE LINKS BELOW. Your first reaction may be frustration, anger, or upset. In other words, when a person gives you the silent treatment … If they give you the silent treatment for extended periods - 6 months, say - to punish you, and you go off about your business, unconcerned, and find your life much more comfortable with them not in it, then when they try to "reconnect" and you're not interested, is it punishment on your part? My brother had BPD, and she might as well. When has two wrongs every made a right? Also, the silent treatment can be put into place long-distance. OK, do your own thing now. Silent treatments are what snotty teenagers do. A 28-year-old male asked: Is there are any memory eraser medicine that can erase all of memory specially bad memory in psychology.That can useful in pstd or OCD treatment … No. The silent treatment is an abuse tactic employed by psychologically ill people, PERIOD and should be called out as such, not sugar coated in some warped bizarroland gaslighting mumbo jumbo. Why are so many people drawn to conspiracy theories in times of crisis? In contrast, we've seen that the purpose of estrangement is self-protection — and that purpose is ongoing as long as the target appears not to want to change the offending behavior. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic tendencies. In the case of family estrangement, painful interpersonal dynamics can reach a breaking point at which one person says, “I can’t do this anymore.” They may not say it out loud. People who detach and go silent are still giving the silent treatment. The silent treatment can occur 1000s of miles away - such as a long distance couple who regularly does face time or emails, and then there is only communication on one side. The silent treatment is the most common pattern of conflict in marriage or any committed, established romantic relationship. This is BASIC. To be frank, the silent treatment … In my case I often go cold turkey on someone when they aren't very nice to me so I distance myself politely away from them so that I can sort out my feelings without being mean myself. If self-improvement fails, see a professional therapist, because the silent … Opening Communication Stay calm. Call a friend. And not all those who use the silent treatment, choose estrangement as a coping mechanism, or resort to control by ostracism learned it at home or from their parents. " Many decide to walk away from rejection, leaving the rejecter with nothing more to do. And it can do tremendous damage. It's still called the silent treatment (by a person who has become detached). The Silent Treatment: When People Leave You Guessing There's probably no communication more misquoted than silence. - Pretty common sense actually; EXAMPLE you get in a phone argument with an SO, the one stops talking to the other for some time = ST, then after make-up etc. Cutting people off or giving the silent treatment for an extended time in my opinion is a cop out. It hurts to give someone the silent treatment. no, not really. Seek out a professional. Then, he wanted to come back and act like an adult. Sometimes whilst in bed I would try chatting and he would ask me to keep quiet saying he wants to sleep . If someone is on facebook making obnoxious comments about how perfect their children are and writing that every cute animal video is a depiction of animal abuse while arguing over the red Starbucks cup in the same day, would you even try to talk sense into someone like that? The silent treatment can be used as an abusive tactic that is the adult narcissist’s version of a child’s “holding my breath until you give in and give me what I want.” It’s done on purpose, and its purpose is to send the message, “I don’t like what you did.”. If someone makes you uncomfortable and after attempts to convey this information they continue to do so, would you keep trying to tell them that their actions make you uncomfortable? Saying that ST can't be remote clearly discounts those in long distance relationships. Any self respecting person would stop themselves from being hurt. It is the act of ceasing to initiate or respond to communication with someone … They are not mutually exclusive. A person who chooses to not speak to someone trying to speak to you is demonstrating the silent treatment...period. FROM REDDIT When "self-protection" becomes punitive, which it does, in the instances of the silent treatment and estrangement's that are not mutual, the flavor of yuck is called ostracism. That just adds drama to the situation. ST occurs all the time in long distance 'remote' relationships. Or when I don't want to talk to somebody ever again. Someone just starts doing it and you don't even know what you did to offend them. Memory Catcher. Being silent … I find it to put my situations into a clear light. Sep 2, 2015 - It's no secret that long-distance relationships take a lot of work. The two go maybe back and forth in a DISCUSSION... there is still detachment but not the silent treatment. Really? Every human makes mistakes and should be entitled to forgiveness. There are complex scenarios of the silent treatment occurring whereby for example it is alone an intentional way to control someone, as in narcissism. Your version of silent treatment kinda sounds like "ghosting:" Where some one text messages, emails, or reaches out to some one on Facebook, but they completely ignore the other person's texts. OTOH I am having difficulty understanding what you are trying to convey in your critique. The main point is that there are many more scenarios than the multiple you named. Estrangement is a silent epidemic affecting all kinds of people. is about one person punishing the other, intentionally. The estrangement is for my protection from this kind of abuse and both the silent treatment and resulting estrangement feel like what is described in this article. I've not figured out how to deal with this. "From my experience working with couples, the silent treatment is often used as a punishment and therefore I find it to be ineffective the majority of the time," marriage and family therapist, ... she has decided to take the high road, which is a road to love and understanding, according to Psychology Today… But as a therapist specializing in family estrangement, I can say with certainty that it’s not just those who are “difficult” who find themselves rejected. The silent treatment isn't just a passive aggressive way for someone... to signal that they're annoyed. The silent treatment is about not speaking to someone who is trying to speak to you...period. We will remain estranged until we are nothing but dusty memories because I can't take the silent treatment anymore. Both types of emotional cutoffs can destroy relationships. REMOTE Silent Treatment is a Real Thing! Silent treatment is passive-aggressive behaviour used to punish, manipulate and control partners. They either talk to me, or I leave. The person giving the silent treatment doesn’t understand that – they don’t know how it feels. The chaplain knew those two from before I came… He never took time to get to know me, and … Ostracism is severe emotionally abusive punishment. What is the Narcissist silent treatment? My ex used the silent treatment on me to manipulate me, which is basically what the author says. As stated elsewhere, this is an irresponsible article. Or you want to postpone discussing it for when the you feel more courageous. Cutting someone off because they won't or can't change is not any kinder than cutting someone off until they change.". The silent treatment feels like a game: I run away, you follow, or, I won't talk, you try to make me. Silent treatment can happen because the person is muted and lost for words, traumatized for example. I think this author is well informed and offers helpful insights. Laura Deutsch. The loaded quiet of the silent treatment creates an extreme contrast with normal conversation. In my house. Sudden Silent Treatment Feb 9, 2014 The silent treatment can happen in romantic relationships or any type of relationship, including between parents and children, friends, and co-workers. My spouse tried this the other day over something so minor I did not even know it had happened, and I told him that if he continues on that course it will degrade our relationship. It came from nowhere and left me completelt gutted. Talk to a therapist with experience and they will tell you. So, for example here, this article is wrong. Thus, while the silent treatment is often understood as a response to a specific behavior, estrangement may have the flavor of a mystery. AGAINST FAMILY CUT OFFS AND SILENT TREATMENT. It may sometimes be a necessary component of self-protection, even at the level of the silent treatment used to force change. Now let’s look at what happens when you face the silent treatment in your home life. not a thesis. The silent treatment is an inherently optimistic tactic: If I stop talking to you because of something you did, I’m sending you a message that I hope for better behavior in the future. This analysis works for you because it happens to fit your stew; but that's just your example _ perhaps it 'happens' to work 'for you'. ... according to Psychology Today. While you are estranged you can be inflicting the silent treatment. The University of Toulouse study suggests that people will react with silence when they believe they’re … How I Controlled Communication With My Narcissistic Mother, 10 Words or Phrases That Convey Intelligence and Nuance, Psychology Today © 2020 Sussex Publishers, LLC, What to Do About Vaccine Hesitancy During COVID-19, New Findings Reveal Benefits of Ketamine for Depression, Ketamine Combats Depression via Unique Molecular Mechanisms, The Strongest Predictors of Sexual Desire. It may range from just sulking to malevolent abusive controlling behaviour.It may be a … ... person you love on a daily basis, so you shouldn't tolerate prolonged silence. My ex boyfriend used to ignore texts, calls and messaging when he gave the silent treatment. They do not pull away because you've hurt their little feelings, but because you spent five dollars too much at the grocery, asked him/her a question they didn't want to answer, or asked for assurance that they really do care about you. Here's what that looks like. I’m sure you’ve all heard of the silent treatment. In my opinion, people who dole out the silent treatment are passive aggressive and possess very poor communicaitons skills. I discovered i was expecting which wasn't planned and he withdrew . I'm sad, but I don't have to walk on egg shells anymore and I don't have to give him room in my head without rent. This article is just wrong for so many reasons. As is your case. The silent treatment, sometimes called "the cold shoulder," is the purposeful exclusion of one party from social interactions. The best way to deal with a partner who is giving you the silent treatment is to … But it's better than having a deadweight around your neck. Another term for the silent treatment is ‘ostracism’ and it means banishing or excluding someone. Long-distance Boyfriend Gives Silent Treatment | Relationship Talk If you're suffering in silence — or because of it — your relationship may be more endangered than you realize, according to new research that shows those whose interactions include … Emotional withholding is a tactic favoured by narcissists and symbolises a dysfunctional … Oct 13, 2013 - My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for nearly three years. I like what the article promises to deliver, but it clear that the author does not understand the silent treatment. The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising – literally. I just wouldn't dub it the silent treatment/estrangement, however. It can not be fixed by the person whom the silent treatment is aimed at. In general, the silent treatment is a sign of abusive control or punishment, as explained in Psych Central. But other people who detach can detach differently. He didn't. The silent treatment often occurs between people who live together or see each other regularly. LDR Silent Treatment - Tiny Buddha I didn't want to hurt anymore. I told him I was leaving. FROM RELATIONSHIPTALK If people keep getting shut out, then they will eventually gain the awareness of why. Love and forgiveness for self and others is what life is all about - you will find out in the end (talk to people who have interviewed the dying). The author would be better informed to write an article about "Is the reason you are receiving the silent treatment because the person has detached from you?" And so an overarching 'course of action' does not exist. It's the PROLONGED ST that is more decisively punitive...usually; not always, because you might have someone with GAD [generalized anxiety d/o] for example who's nervous about a difficult conversation and ends up giving the ST for weeks out of sheer anxiety. Otherwise, I'm with you and agree that closing that interaction/relationship is paramount. Like wind chimes when one or two are not working if affects the rest. If a married couple throws in the towel and decides there is no other alternative than to get a divorce not talking may not be the silent treatment. They’ve been estranged for years.”. She hosts the Reconnection Club Podcast for parents of estranged adult children and offers consultation by distance. EMAIL. It can be a fleeting reaction to a … The silent treatment is not always motivated by an intent to harm another person or punish their behavior, said study author Kristin Sommer, Ph.D, an associate professor of psychology at … You can still be kind. The "Silent treatment " is when you are engaged in a relationship with someone like a parent and child or a husband and wife and one person is not talking to the other as a means of punishing them. My ex husband did the same thing to me. They might want to call it estrangement, but many who give the silent treatment will never discuss the issues that lead to silence. Such people may unfortunately find themselves rejected over and over again. FROM BUSTLE Family Estrangement: Aberration or Common Occurrence? Both the silent treatment and estrangement can leave rejectees feeling powerless and resentful. Every treatment has a goal, and the aim of the silent treatment is to shame, punish, or warn someone who has crossed a line. Estrangement happens in all kinds of relationships, and it is self-protective. If we’re estranged, it’s a sign that one (or both) of us has given up on the other, at least for the time being. To Estrange or Not to Estrange: Toxic Family Dynamics, Why Parental Estrangement Is Sometimes Unavoidable. Eventual relief is a hope, not a given. "Better communication skills will eradicate a large portion of needless emotional cut-off and a source of deep pain for many.". And in situations where leaving is hard and dealing with narcissism, consider 'gray rock.'. 1st example _ There is for example no formal definition of silent treatment that says that the silent treatment is meant to be punitive. It hurts to cut of communication entirely. Hot Topics Today. SHARE. The silent treatment is a form of psychological abuse and as such it causes symptoms like … I am not sure what is the best way to cut off a relationship with somebody. There is no excuse for it unless you are in danger or if there is a mental health issue where the person does not know what they are doing. This is a very irresponsible article that is not a characterization of the 'silent treatment' but attempts to remove attributions from the silent treatment in order to call it 'estrangement' - apparently serving the author's attempt to promote 'family estrangement' There are SO many things wrong with this article and it should be retracted as it is very misleading. Will not to get into the weeds on this issue. YES, THIS ARTICLE TRIES TOO HARD TO MAKE DISTINCTIONS. We see it in all types of relationship: couples, friends, parents and children, relatives, etc. I broke off with him during a silent treatment and he freaked out for almost two months. Shame on the author and shame on whoever let this even be put in Psychology today. So, when he did it again, just refused to talk/respond. If someone is giving you the silent treatment you don't have to protect yourself from being blasted. Im emotionally drained. Just my thoughts. But staying to be abused is intolerable. How to notice the signals and how to get help. I raised our daughter by myself for 18 years (really her whole life). The rejected person is left to figure out what exactly went wrong. Coparenting With an Ex: Battleground vs. Common Ground. Posted Oct 25, 2011 This has caused me a lot of stress." Definitely the silent treatment can be used as a form of control to force others to behave the way that the person wants them to. 3. The silent treatment is part of what's called a "demand-withdraw" pattern. Subscribe to This Blog. Once the treatment has had its intended effect, it comes to an end. embarrassment, fear, uncertainty of words at the moment, etc. The problem is she is giving me the silent treatment for a week. Half of my family have been given the silent treatment for 6 years without explanation. Cutting someone off because they won't or can't change is not any kinder than cutting someone off until they change. Then he moved into another room saying he needs to study . FROM TINY BUDDHA But it's still an unresolved dysfunction of relationship. He knows why I cut off, something he never offered me. Following my estranged brother's death four months ago, my adult nieces came back into my life--he wouldn't let me see them when they were teens. She'll shift from being totally into me, constantly telling me how much she loves and appreciates me, and then she'll suddenly be cold and uncommunicative. The silent treatment and detachment are not mutually exclusive. Many people cut off their partners emotionally to hurt, punish, or manipulate them. The simple psychology behind the silent treatment is to ridicule the opposing person by making them feel invisible, insignificant, and neglected. That's the worst - they do nothing, say nothing that to explain themselves and reassure you that they care. It's also an assertion of dominance and control. More correct would be that the person is giving the silent treatment because they are detaching. Yesterday, I tried ... After reading another similar long distance relationship story When your narcissist decides to give you the silent treatment or stonewall you stop making any efforts to communicate with that person; instead, do something for yourself. Children should never learn what the silent treatment is, or how to apply it, or what it feels like to be on the receiving end. It would last for weeks sometimes, and it was extremely hurtful. This article is irresponsible at best and defending the abusive personality disordered at worst. Well, no. Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today. W e just have update about the kids and when im asking for some money because I'm financially depended on him . I agree to a large extent. It's a frustrating and ineffective tactic. Good luck. Why are so many people drawn to conspiracy theories in times of crisis? This is a questionable article on the silent treatment. … There’s the conviction that “this will be over one day,” making it psychologically manageable, albeit very unpleasant. - Reddit The love that you feel for him will fade, and fade fast. It has been over a year since we have had a proper conversation. He liked to make the silent treatment longer each time. Really? I was the victim of a week long silent treatment by a family member which was very deliberate and very hostile. Sometimes I ... Such behavior can morph into long-term estrangement before you realize what’s happening. Nope, not doing that (there are no major issues in the household either). Their actions are no longer your problem once you've done everything in your power to try to resolve the issue. The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly. ALSO _Silence can also be for MULTIPLE reasons not just punitive as your pscyh today colleague writes - eg. I know there is a difference between the silent treatment and estrangement, but I don't think the author knows that difference. There is a difference between cutting people off and keeping your distance. I know it's hard being a single parent. In contrast, while estrangement often feels punitive when you're on the receiving end, punishment is not necessarily the intent. The silent treatment in a long distance relationship? 5 Defenses Of The Long Distance Distance Relationship Those who were brought up learning to use the silent treatment as a communication tool should be aware that doing so is playing with fire. What Really Goes on in the Mind of a Cheater? I won't play. Your case is only an EXAMPLE not a overarching DEFINITIVE. Let them suffer. But the silent treatment is only one form of detaching. A similar concept is when children plug their … the couple starts talking again....and this goes on over and over again. Conversely, you can give someone the silent treatment because you are confused, hurt, at a loss for words, narcissistic etc. My Boyfriend Gives Me The Silent Treatment Oct 30, 2012 Wrong. Estrangement, on the other hand, may occur under the same roof or from thousands of miles away. Today, In this article, I’ll revel out some deep things about narcissist’s silent treatment, why they do it and most importantly, Do narcissists come back after silent treatment? They just want to bully you into doing anything to get their attention. THIS ARTICLE IS IRRESPONSIBLE. This author is forcing the comparison as if the terms are mutually exclusive. The silent treatment or ignoring. We would like the other person to change in some way, but we don’t think they’re either willing or capable of it, so we resolve to keep our distance to maintain our peace of mind. The pain of the experience may be intense, but it’s short-lived. Is this immature? So far, she has given me the silent treatment twice, refusing calls and messages, and when she does this, it's very painful and frustrating for me. Don't parse words in psychology just to write a clever article. psychology of the silent treatment. The antidote, for many, is better communication. The pain isn't just on the receiving end. I think this is due to some personality disorder she has. The Silent Treatment In silence, you can come back to center. Cutting off family members or giving the silent treatment is emotional abuse - An immature act of revenge, power and control. Detachment may be a reason he/she is not speaking but if they are not speaking and one is trying to speak to them...that's the silent treatment. I'm a woman by the way and silent treatment/estrangement has it's place in society. They've clearly made themselves unapproachable with their arrogance and argumentative antisocial behavior. The silent treatment is widely regarded as a form of emotional manipulation and even psychological abuse. I find myself searching my mind for what I did that could have offended her. Get a Single Email For New Entries: Or via RSS Feed. And this author does not have the qualifications to just reinvent the terms. That is impart because this article is poorly written. 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People may unfortunately find themselves rejected over and over again verbally and electronically with someone who is trying to to... Game with control as the prize of words at the level of the silent treatment ’... Shown that the act of ignoring or excluding activates the same thing to me, manipulate! Potentially an ache without a cure extremely hurtful cutting someone off because wo! Occur under the same thing to me if that detached person instead says, `` really... React with silence when they believe they ’ re … Verified by Psychology Today choose to try that that... Are now estranged from he and his wife who is willing to try to draw distinct lines in the.... Into another room saying he needs to study you can come back to center may. Due to some personality disorder she has in a discussion... there is a cop out n't tolerate prolonged.. Like wind chimes when one or two are not working if affects the rest never! This issue will never discuss the issues in the Mind of a week silent! Take the silent treatment by a family member which was very deliberate and very hostile one form of.. Try chatting and he withdrew is meant to be punitive dusty memories because i financially! Conversations when someone is giving the silent treatment... guess what silence when they believe ’. Is selfish to not speak to you is demonstrating the silent treatment that says that the act revenge. Best way to cut off a relationship with somebody money because i financially... N'T want to talk to me an example not a given are major... Avoid the pain of the silent treatment by a person who chooses to understand... Irresponsible at best and defending the abusive personality disordered at worst can leave rejectees powerless... A clear light to write a clever article really would rather be myself. Restrict/Confuse the concept of 'silent treatment ' is dangerous forth in a discussion... there is a between. Herself from experiencing harm everything in your critique loss for words, narcissistic.. Ended relationship: how you can come back and act like an adult 's form. See it in all types of relationship: couples, friends, parents and children,,... Did the same area of the silent treatment often occurs between people who live together or see each other.... You do n't want to bully you into doing anything to get their attention whilst in i., however back and forth in a discussion... there is for example here, this is! Activates the same roof or from thousands of miles away financially depended on him ignore texts, calls and when. Who are very difficult for anyone to get along with explained in Psych Central him or herself from experiencing.. Of self-protection may make estrangement seem more palatable than the silent treatment because you are trying speak. As stated elsewhere, this article is poorly written resolve the issue why are so people! Painful and frustrating thing i have ever experienced in life general, the silent treatment/estrangement however... Dub it the silent treatment: “ Devon ’ s look at happens... Mind for what i did that could have offended her pain from now on and are! You do n't want to bully you into doing anything to get the. To some personality disorder she has very difficult for anyone to get their attention longer each time treatments occur. 'M always ready to talk, but it clear that the act of,! A Single parent you named that 's the worst - they do nothing, say nothing that explain! Of a Cheater on in the sands of shifting tides that closing that interaction/relationship is paramount colleague writes eg... ’ m sure you ’ ve all heard of the others me silent treatment is at! Self-Esteem, confidence, and it is manipulation versus self-protection on over over!